Super duper hilarious!!!

Have you guys seen this video yet?

IT IS FUCKING HILARIOUS LA!!!!!!!!!!


I laughed until I almost died ok!!!


Watch watch!!

MY LOONY BUNS IS HOT BENNY LAVA!!!!!!!!!!

It's damn fucking funny lar!

The writer of the English lyrics is someone called Buffalax (I googled him and he seems like just some WoW addict) and he is amazingly talented!!

I don't know how he can actually hear English within all these languages.

He also did a few more funny videos, here's a Japanese one:



SHIT! I knew your son!! MUAHAHA

Got a Russian one too!!



PORCELAIN IS THE SUREST PLAN!!!!!!!

PLEASE RESPECT THE CAVIAR!!


That's as logical as it can get!



Can't wait for Buffalax to do a Chinese one!

His talent lies in doing this man, he should set up a website and just keep doing it, everyday.

His job occupation? Subtitler.

Macau, Hong Kong. Shen Zhen

Congrats to me!!

I'm flying to Macau tomorrow via no less than the magnificent Tiger Airways (trying to be ironic, in case you thought I'm serious)!!

I'd be going with Qihua and her BF so poor Mikey will be left at home alone for 4 days...

Tomorrow is the press conference for Fresh Air For Women, an anti-smoking campaign, and since I am one of the ambassadors I have to be there at 10am (Jesus!! Hate morning people).

Yesterday I bought a lo mai gai (is it spelt like that?) and I put it on the kitchen table for maybe 1 hour... The damn thing was wrapped inside 1 paper bag and the paper bag was wrapped in a plastic bag.

I took up the package, wanting to microwave it, and midway during the journey to the microwave a HUMONGOUS LIZARD JUMPED, literally JUMPED, out of the plastic bag.

He flew up scrabbling and wiggling in midway (in a rather comical way, if I were not the victim) landed with a heavy and cold THUD on the crook of my arm.

I screamed cold murder and flung both lo mai gai and lizard away while running to the bedroom and whimpered to a sleeping and confused Mike.

Amazingly enough, the lizard managed to get through both paper and plastic bag to get to the food.


AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE LIZARDS DOING EATING LO MAI GAIs ANYWAY?


Don't people who defend lizards always say, "Oh, lizards are good what, they eat our pests!"

IT IS ALL A FACADE I TELL YOU!

Lizards like our human food just like cockroaches do, and what's worse, they PRETEND to eat mosquitoes and the like!

CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME, IF YOU ATE LO MAI GAIs WILL YOU STILL GO AND EAT FLIES AFTER THAT??

No right?!

Grrrr

I swear, these fuckers just hate me!!!!!


NOBODY ELSE HAS SUCH FREQUENT LIZARD TRAUMAS!!!

Maybe they know I enjoy killing their kind. Oh yes I'm gonna redouble my efforts in killing you all you know, you dirty ugly wonky-eyed muthafuckers!!!!!!

I'd extend my reign of terror to Macau, where I will also kill the lizards there!!


Soon, Macau lizards will be whispering to each other:

"Hey... You know that blogger Xiaxue? Came here! To our very own peninsula! She is going to kill as many of us as possible!"

Terrified, lizard two replies: "How do you know this?" while he cowers in his wall corner, and clasps a filthy hand to his mouth, thus nearly falling off the ceiling. Lizard One grabs hold of him just in time.

One says: "My cousin from Singapore told me! He came all the way here via a ferry and a budget airline and relayed the news, then died of exhaustion." Lizard one adds severely, "He didn't sleep for 2 days, poor boy."


MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok I might be a bit deranged.



I'd be back on the 31st, and will post about the trip!






P/S: Here's a photo of a lizard I smacked to death with my bathroom slipper.

Disgusting, isn't it?

It totally serves him right because he was hiding BEHIND THE TOILET ROLL.

I cannot comprehend why anyone would go hide behind toilet rolls unless their purpose in doing so is to unleash themselves upon innocent girls who unfurled the roll of paper to wipe their asses.

That place (behinde the toilet roll) is not particularly fragrant and it is definitely not a good insect-catching spot.

Therefore, this lizard is evil.

Since he is evil, I chased him into the shower area and sprayed him with terribly hot water and when he is momentarily paralyzed, smacked him with my bathroom slipper.


SMACK!


Once, and he twitches. Oh, still alive, aren't you?


SMACK!


A last feeble twitch.

SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK!

Flush corpse into toilet bowl. Revenge is sweet.

I killed one more lizard with this method.

That lizard also deserves it because he was drinking water from my bathroom.

We have to pay rent and water bills of the precious water he is drinking, and did he ask permission? NO. Sorry, water not yours to drink, therefore deserve to DIE.


Besides, he was probably the one who dared the toilet-roll-lizard to sit there and hop onto my hand after I shat, thinking it is very funny.

VERY FUNNY NOW THAT YOU LOOK LIKE THIS, HUH??

Ha! Dead.

Video Updates

Xiaxue's Guide To Life: Episode 5 - The Princess Room

Learn how to furnish a princess' room if the princess happens to be poor.



News Asia: Episode 4 - Iron Crotch and Castration

In this episode - amazing video footage of a man with an iron crotch, and a tragic story of another who got his penis chopped off.

Shocker of the year: Albus Dumbledore is gay

Nope, I'm not even joking, or trying to make fun of him.

Two days ago on the 19th of October 2007, in New York City, Jk Rowling revealed a nugget of information that would change the course of literary history forevermore (ok, I'm being a little dramatic).

I quote:

When asked by a fan if Dumbledore ever loved anyone, J.K. Rowling replied that... Dumbledore was gay. Reports from the scene say a hush fell over the crowd and then it broke out in applause, to which J.K. replied that if she had known that would be the response, she would've revealed her thoughts on Dumbledore earlier.

She went on to say that while she was reading Steve Kloves' script for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, she came across a passage in which Dumbledore was reminiscing about past loves, and she corrected it by crossing it out and scrawling "Dumbledore is gay" in the margin.

When I first read this on Mugglenet I thought she must have been joking, but I realised she would never joke about something like that.

OKIE...

Obviously I have nothing against gays (having a few gay friends myself) but I've always thought of Dumbledore as being somewhat ASEXUAL.

The idea of him humping someone, whether female or male, is disgusting and somewhat just can't be associated with his wise, serene character which we have all grown to love and respect!

The idea of him BEING humped is really even worse because it kinda puts him in a submissive position of weakness (I also think it is the most "demeaning" for females when we give a BJ or are being fucked... When we are doing other stuff men can respect us, but at the moment when sex happens, I just think it's not very possible, you get what I mean? It's like we are the weaker sex).


... =(

The idea that Dumbledore has an alternative sexual inclination opens up a world of other possibilities, such as...


- Aberforth liking bestiality. And goats too! I don't think much of his taste. Goats are smelly.

- Fenrir liking children (I dearly wish he didn't rape the kids before making them werewolves).

- and of course other characters being gay too: Dobby (likes Harry Potter!!), Sirius, Mad-Eye, Pettigrew, Voldemort etc etc


Did Sirius like James?

Of course, in Half-Blood prince Rowling already touched on the topic of incest, but I don't know... why DUMBLEDORE???!

I'm a bit annoyed... I wish Rowling didn't tell us this.

Well since I stupidly poked into Mugglenet and found out about this, I shall now spread the news to everyone who reads my blog too, so that they too can be troubled/cheered by this.


It makes me think of Dumbledore having sex and wanking and doing BJs and surfing porn, and I DON'T WANNA!!!


In my mind Dumbledore doesn't even lao sai one lor, coz he is so powerful and clever he doesn't do mundane things like shit.

Now I can never read the book the same way again!!!

I don't wanna know if he is gay or straight or whatever... He should be celibate and asexual! Things like sex shouldn't interest him.

A few days ago I wrote on my facebook that my favourite book is the whole Harry Potter series, and I also added that I wanted to ask Rowling is Dumbledore is gay.

Am I prophetic or what?!

To my utter surprise, I got my question answered almost immediately. I always thought Rowling would fend off that question by saying that this is a children's book and such issues are not of any importance.

Oh well!

I must say I admire her courage! Afterall she says that she values the latter above everything else.


TO HELL WITH ALL THOSE RELIGIOUS PEOPLE WHO ARE GONNA COMPLAIN AGAIN!! Wizards cannot be homo one meh?!


p/s: Lockhart also gay.

p/p/s: Dumbledore liked Gellert Grindelwald. I think that's why he didn't wanna duel him till much later. Dumbledore likes blonde boys!! And smart ones la, of course.


My source here, if you don't believe me.


I don't care if most of you don't read Harry Potter. I read it all the time and it's my life!

What I have been busy with:

Nothing.

That's right, nothing!!

Nothing out of the blue that is - except that a China manicurist pissed me off real bad yesterday!

The story begins with me doing hair extensions again (together with Kaykay), although I swore never to do it again because it made me lose so much hair!

The problem is... although my hair is long, it is just not long ENOUGH, and the price of the extensions was going to a new low of $1 per strand!!

$1 for someone to bind a bunch of real human hair to your damn head and make you gorgeous!

And according to the China lady (they are everywhere in the beauty industry, I tell you) who did the extensions, the real human hair they buy comes from poor ladies (or maybe men, I don't know) in China who sell their hair to pay for school fees and food, etc!!

I asked her if the hair is shaved off a corpse (si ren de tou fa, I said) and she looked at me as if scandalized and said it is impossible.

I asked her how she would know for sure, and she (rather annoyed) replied that she may not know THAT for sure, but she is quite certain that the mainland Chinese won't go shave off their freshly dead relatives' hair for money coz it is disrespectful!

Hahahaha...

Kaykay and I then continued to laugh and joke about the dead person's ghost confirm very annoyed that she is uglier than the rest of the ghosts coz she got no hair, and I concluded our highly intellectual discussion by saying that ghosts are ugly ANYWAY... not like with hair will look much better.

Imagine hor, if afterlife really exists and you look like how you were just at the end of your life, wouldn't you be super pissed off if you jumped off a building instead of taking sleeping pills to commit suicide?

I must keep that in mind if I ever wanna die.

Digressing even further, Mike says that he thinks that when people die, NOTHING happens.

When I asked him what he means, he asked me back, "Did you ever go under (general anesthesia)?"

I told him no (my nose job's one I was fully awake), and he said it is a really queer feeling, like you just stop being in existance.

Nothing.

Just a little part of your life was lived without you even knowing it.

You wake up later and that period when you were down is just a... blank.

Isn't it scary?

I told him that I am mortified of death because I think that when people die, their souls are trapped inside their immobile and dysfunctional bodies, just exactly like how we are when we sometimes get the "bei gui ya" (a Chinese saying meaning 'trapped under a ghost') feeling.

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, sometimes, when you get really tired and you fall asleep, you wake up and you are actually conscious of your surroundings, but you just can't move your body!

Not a muscle. Well, I think its possible to like twitch your fingers but that's about it.

So you just sort of loll around in bed under you finally, with a might jerk, wake yourself up.

It's a terrible, terrible feeling and I HATE IT! I always get it when I take afternoon naps!

And what if after we die THAT happens? Except we can't even jerk ourselves awake ever again!

I wonder when in that state we can actually feel PAIN? You think? What if when we die (ie break our neck) we can completely feel pain but can't move or express it!!

OK I got to stop this topic and go back to hair extensions.

But why so many people claim to have seen ghosts but they never ask the ghosts what happens when people die ah?!

Ahem. As I was saying, hair extensions are now $1!

Usually I'm very generous when it comes to fashion advice, but this time round I'm sorry that I can't tell you people where I went to do it, because the damn place is already super full usually and so many people are doing extensions now... if everyone also got super long hair then I won't be special anymore!!

I did 40 strands of ashy brown hair (exactly my shade!) and wanted to do 40 strands of blonde...

Then I saw another shade of blonde... instead of yellowish blonde it is ashy platinum blonde!!

I chose that one istead, and the girl told me that's a "highlight colour", which means it is $0.50 per strand!

SUPER HAPPY LA!!!

In the end it only cost me $60 for the whole head!

Photos:

You can't tell, but the hair like reaches my ass ok! When I sit down, the ends sweep my thighs!! And the quality of the corpse's hair is so much better than my own! Happy happy happy!!

... And the blonde and brown looks like peanut butter chocolate swirls... :)

So anyway, I went to do my nails at Bugis Village with my mom after I got the extensions right, and this was how the conversation went, in Chinese:


Me, to China manicurist: "Wow, you all should do hair extensions too... It's all the rage now."

CM: "Yeah, we are doing it. Didn't you see the signboard outside?"

Me: "Oh really? I just did mine yesterday! How much are you all charging?"

CM: "$5 per strand."

Me: "FIVE DOLLARS?!! I did mine for only $1!! The blonde coloured ones are even cheaper, 50 cents!"

CM: "Ours is 100% human hair."


... I fucking HATE it when people who way overprice their products try to say that their products are better than other people's with their stupid weak accusations that theirs is BETTER.

I MEAN FUCKING CMON. Nobody uses bloody synthetic hair for hair extensions ANYMORE lor! The plastic hairs all tangle up really bad and they just are horrible!


Defensively I told her that my extensions are 100% human hair too.

How do I know? Because plastic hair will melt with hair curlers, and I've curled my hair a bazillion times!


To my horror, the woman stopped filing my toenails and hooked a strand of my blonde hair with her finger to examine it.

"Hmm..." she said, spreading the strand out and studying its minute molecular structure. "Yours is not real... Surely has some fake hairs mixed into it."


And disregarding my incredulous and offended look, she ACTUALLY PLUCKED OUT ONE OF MY BLONDE HAIRS FROM MY HEAD, BROKE IT IN FRONT OF ME, AND PROCEEDED TO BREAK A FEW MORE.


I screamed at her, "Please stop doing that!"


LAO NIANG FUCKING PAID FOR ALL THOSE BEAUTIFUL BLONDE STRANDS LOR, THEN YOU GO AND BREAK THEM LIKE VERY FUN LIKE THAT!


Indignantly she took a poor broken piece of blonde hair in front of my face, and holding both ends of the hair, tugged ruthlessly at it to see how elastic it can be before breaking!!


"See... I think it's fake," she announced weakly, because the hair behaved exactly like how normal hair would behave.

She went back to doing my nails while I suppressed the urge to strangle her off her tiny stool.

Quite annoying lor!




Abrupt end of story.



Sorry I've been so absent... I've actually took photos of the Princess Room (finally it's ready) but they are not edited yet.

It's all facebook's fault! I'm officially hooked on it! And Ms ZS! I keep talking to you online for hours!!!



(Please DO NOT add me. I don't add people I don't personally know. That is, if you see me on facebook.)


Today I hu-ed Yao Jiu Da Pai!! Nan feng was my winning card!! Yi Wan, Jiu Tong, Hong Zhong, Nan Feng (my wind) and Bai ban (eye)!!

Yao Jiu Da Pai is add 2 doubles coz it is a special right?

6 doubles plus 1 animal and 1 flower outside - whoopee!!

Ok I just wanted to record that. This is my blog afterall lor.

Updates

I've got nothing to blog about!

Recently nothing made me angry!! Isn't it amazing? No horrible cab drivers, no rude service, nobody insulting me (excessively enough to create a reaction), no nothing!

And therefore, I've got nothing to complain about - and what is this blog without my various complains?!

Sigh... Never thought I'd have a problem with being perfectly happy.

Anyhow... PHOTOS!!

Qing qing and I shopping at Plaza Singapore before Kaykay joined us! There was this wall that was completely plastered a super girly wallpaper and I forced QQ to camwhore there. =)

How is it that I am more teen now than when I was a teen?!

Afterwards, we went to KTV!

I know I am wearing different clothes. That's because I changed into my newly bought M)phosis (however it is spelt) gold satin romper! It's damn cute lar!! Unfortunately, to pee you have to peel off the entire suit, which is fucking stupid.

Got those Good-Camera effect or not?? I specially blurred the background out, hehe...

Actually it is because I don't like Kelvin. Hate you for flying all the time!!

He is now in Shanghai and when he comes back he and QQ are going to jet off to JAPAN CAN?!?! I am so jealous!

Never mind. Speaking of trips, I just spent $2.2k on a plane ticket to USA to visit Mike's family.

Leaving on 11th of Dec. So long more. :(

Super expensive leh... I think plane tickets are super overpriced. The ride itself is not even fucking enjoyable, and it costs as much as a new laptop that you can use for years and years! But boh pian... that's the price lor.

CAN'T WAIT! I made Mike promise to bring me to Juicy Couture shops, and I'm gonna eat turkey and celebrate a real thanksgiving!!

Mike's mom also invited me to be in the family portrait taking... HOW SWEET IS THAT? Think I'd look very odd though, one Chinese in an all-angmoh family.

Sorry sorry... back to photos:

Kelvin very contented. If those two ever get married I'm so gonna demand a huge matchmaker's fee!


Dinner with high school friends... Ghim's birthday (way belated)!

Wong, Ghimz, me (in very vain pose)


Peiying and Xiaofeng


Mike came along too.

Coincidentally enough, when we were all in TCC, we saw more River Valley (secondary school) CLASSMATES! How weird is that?!

Different clique one la, but the girls of their clique were all sitting at a table drinking coffee together with one guy I didn't know.

After some customary exclamations of surprise and hellos, we sat down on a different table and Eekean casually announced to us, "Oh, did you all know Jessica is getting married? I think that one is her husband."

I sprayed my drink all over her, that is, if I had already ordered a drink.

Eekean acted like it was no big deal and she announces old secondary school classmates' wedding news every other day.

AND OBVIOUSLY I WENT TO INTERROGATE JESSICA, AND IT IS TRUE!!

She's getting married next JANUARY!!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

(btw Jess, congrats hor!)

It is just sooooooo weird to think of your old friends (remember when I knew her she was 15) having sex and doing adult things like filing taxes or getting married!!

To my horror, when I told everyone that I think it's very weird to see your secondary school friends getting married, everyone told me that this is happening to them too, and it is not that weird what, the girls our age are getting close to marriage age anyway blah blah blah... To top it all off, QQ added that her friends (22) are indeed all seemingly pregnant.

I'm getting fucking old leh!

In 2 years' time I will be having my ten-year reunion with my sec 3 and 4 classmates, and by that time Jessica would probably be bringing her new baby along with her... *gasp*

Soooooo weird.

I guess people would think it's weird to see me too... Nose job and all. And if anyone in my class were to venture a guess to who will date an angmoh in future, I doubt anyone will choose me.

I looked woefully at Mike and told him to marry me fast so that I can be the first in our class to get married leh, but he don't want. Only like $25 and one trip to ROM also wanna giam.

Or is it like $15? Getting married in Singapore very cheap leh.




I got invited to go on the DHL BALLOON!

It's so sad, the balloon might be forced to close down/relocate! So go on it before it ends! It's $23 per ride I think.

That's cheap, considering the helium inside the balloon costs $60,000! Mad hor?

I like DHL and all, but wouldn't it be nice if some pink brand was sponsoring the balloon instead? Like, like, DIOR... OR maybe a sleek black Chanel balloon... WOOHOO!

I can almost smell the bin

Me and baby


Red and Yellow...

Macdonalds also red and yellow... Courts and Ikea are yellow and blue... If I had a brand it would be baby pink and tan (like colour of light brown satin) or baby pink and pale blue-green... Mmmm...

I am so totally blogging out my nonsensical thoughts.

UP WE GO!!

It's so fun!

The balloon went super high up...


Our view


Happy angmoh


Held up from our plunging deaths only by these


"MARRY ME," I shout... "OR I'LL JUMP!" Mike ignored me.



With Clara, my poly classmate...

who just so happens to be friends with the PR guy who invited me, Jonathan.


With Jonathan this time

I bought a new set of MJ tiles, table, chips and dice!

AND THEY ARE ALL PINK!

Behold the chioness:

They sold this baby pink plastic mat thing you pin onto the table... Only $7 lor! Too bad the table can't be prettier.

The dice are glittery gold!

The diminutive lady selling the MJ products let me choose the chips as well, so I have grey and pink chips with a baby pink "Qi Zhuang" pointer!

The tiles are baby pink and looks like marshmallows.





The girls are all very happy with the chio set!

In total, this costs $106... Before I even play I already lose so much lor!

To my horror, after playing numerous games with this set, you know what?

I NEVER WON ONE SINGLE TIME OK!!

It has been like what, at least 10 rounds of MJ played?

EVERY SINGLE TIME I LOSE!

Scary or not?! I'd say that I win and lose perhaps 50-50 usually... maybe win more often than losing even, but with this set of mahjong it is 100% losing rate!

It is beginning to make me quite hate it. I get super grumpy every time I play at home lor, coz the cards are always, without fail, fucking shitty.

Oh well, at least I don't have to take $20 cab rides back home anymore when people come over to play... :(

And stop laughing at my satin home shorts! They are very comfy and perfect PJs.


Back in Teban

Momo's moving, and in transition she has to stay with my aunt, whose house was not convenient for Cloudy, so we had to give him away to my mom's friend... :(

Don't judge him, he just had his hair all shaved off! Usually he is very fluffy and cute.

I'll miss you Cloud Cloud!!

He is just the best dog ever... He never barks, and whenever you call him he'd just jump up your knee and rest there. :'(

My mom's says she is packing, but it seems she is just messing the place up! haha

Momo with Cloudy

Me with my delinquent brother

After dinner with my family I went to meet Kel and the rest.

Timmy posing with my favourite Island Creamery ice cream...

He is working there part-time, so girls, if you wanna know him just go to Great World City, eh?

Palut Hitam!

Black glutinous rice! You know that coconuty dessert? It tastes exactly like the dessert except it's an ice cream!

Love...











Thus ends the weird a-spot-of-monochrome pictures.

At Weili's place for dinner, where we spent a good hour just laughing at celebrities on President's Star Charity.

Is it very mean to think that parents to who choose to give birth to a retarded child (knowing he is retarded to begin with) don't deserve much sympathy? I personally think abortion would be kinder to the kid than to make him live a half-fucked life where he is so different from the rest of society.

Random photo of my current favourite shorts: $10 pink satin shorts with ribbon side-tie!! :D



And I shall end off this blog entry with pictures of my new dye-job!!

Went to bleach blonde highlights at KIMAGE. They always do my hair right!

It has been SO LONG since I had light hair... I don't know why, but seeing my hair light just makes me really happy! I think I'm innately blonde.

Now don't give me that crap about me acting angmoh! Nobody praised me for acting like my race when I dyed my hair black recently either!

I'm not trying to be like a bloody caucasian - it is just that I like looking different from everyone else, and also that I sincerely think blonde is the nicest hair colour. :)

That's it!



Next entry: My best buys ever.

***********

New episodes are up!

Xiaxue's Guide to Life

You think there is only one way to wear your bikini? I think NOT!

Girls should all watch this and pick up a new trick. :)

News Asia on the Net

Debbie Wong and Howard Lo discuss big boobs and a soy sauce bottle being stuck up somebody's ass in this crazy episode. :D

Go watch them!